Saturday, December 22, 2007

M.I.A. & M.O.P.E. & S.O.S. & J.O.Y.

So, apparently I've been MIA for the past month. My last post was 11/17 and here it is 3 days before Christmas! Maybe none of y'all check in with my blog very often and haven't even noticed...but since writing is fun for me, I'VE definitely noticed.

To be truthful, MIA doesn't quite describe my absense. I've been missing, but more out of Pure Exhaustion, rather than "IN ACTION." Missing Out of Pure Exhaustion. That's it! M.O.P.E. Ew! I don't like that word. I like that Missing Out of Pure Exhaustion has an acronym that spells something, but MOPE? That's like... convicting! What else could the letters M-O-P-E spell out that might describe my month?

Mother of Preschoolers Extinct.
Mom Outside Perfect Expectations.


I'll tell you what -- I am so blasted tired. And can I just confess that I have been struggling? I am, above all, so blessed by my babes and husband and can hardly wait to kiss these newest little tootsies (can't I just skip to 30 weeks??), but I've just felt sad, frustrated, failing. I rejoice that my nausea is because of the new life growing within me, rather than say chemotherapy causing death to cancer cells and making me sick. I have to keep things in perspective.

But I've been sad. I love this time of year, normally I'm not sad at all in December. This is the time of year when we're all focused on Christ's birthday (whether the consumers or retailers acknowledge it or not).

I love my Savior. I love that He was born weak, helpless & dependent (exactly how I've been feeling lately). He was born to a clueless young mama no less (I can relate to her, too). So, where's my JOY?

This is, after all, the Season for The Reason.

You know, every season of my heart & life should be so centrifugally aligned so that The Reason can minister no matter the state of my emotions or physical strength. My itty-bitty turning point was 10 days ago when I revealed to my husband and a few friends that I was feeling like I was really falling apart. That I don't "Have it Together."

Do you EVER feel that way? Like you are so protective of "self" that you can't let others know that you're not rocketing off the "Christmas Spirit" charts? That your halls are not beautifully decked? That you can barely crawl out of bed, let alone climb into the recipe box to make my annual Peanut Butter balls? (Christmas Spirit is definitely low, extremely low, if one cannot muster up the energy to indulge in PB & chocolate!)

So, I reached up out of my pit and threw out an S.O.S. for my M.O.P.E. "Please pray for me... this is my heart right now..." And overnight, starting late that night, even as my crocodile tears soaked thru my slate blue pillowcase (which DESPERATELY needs laundered along with its coordinating friends), the healing began.

"Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much." James 5:16

Thank you for not judging me, Friend.
Thank you for your comfort, Sister.
Thank You that Your arms are never too short to pull me out of my pit, Lord.

You are the Reason. You'll be the song that I sing this season & forever.
And ever.

1 comment:

Sheila said...

Kellie, I'm so glad you shared...pray for me and when, M.O.P.E. comes knocking for me tomorrow morning I'll pray for you too.

We need the prayers and encouragement of our brothers and sisters. He made us to be united.

I've deleted what I've written on this comment about ten times because I start to pour out and then think, "Kellie doesn't need this." I'm also really struggling, daily. I'm struggling to not look back. I'm struggling to stand firm in belief and not shrink back in doubt and discouragement. I'm longing for intimate fellowship. I'm waiting on the Lord, I keep telling myself. But then I think if I was waiting on the Lord I wouldn't be so discouraged. He's worth waiting on, and by His grace I'll keep waiting till He pulls me through this dark shadow of...I don't know what to call it...loneliness I guess.

Well, anyway, you have every reason to be tired you precious pregnant mamma of three bustling, beautiful Christmas-y kiddos. I love your pictures. I pray you will feel Him gently leading you. I love that verse in Isaiah, "He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, And carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those who are with young." (40:11)

~Love you sister!